Open your eyes.
Take a good look around you.
How’s the view?
Do you like what you see?
Think back again to when you were
little.
Are you living the life you
pictured for yourself?
Or are you still dreaming of
something even bigger?
(Meredith Grey)
I’m not ashamed to say I’m a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan. I have seen every
episode released some more than once. What girl doesn’t want to find her own
McDreamy or McSteamy? I love the little segments at the beginning and end of each
show where one of the characters gives some type of philosophical speech about
life. I have written numerous quotes down that resonate with me, the one above
being the most recent. I, for one, am still dreaming of something bigger. I am
sitting in limbo with a blurred vision of the future. What’s to come? What do I
want for myself? I am so far from living the life I imagined, but aren’t we
all? No-one can envisage what the future holds. No-one knows where they will be
in ten years time, nor do we know who we will be as we are clueless when it
comes to foreseeing what will happen to shape our lives and who we become. Even
amongst all the hardships I wouldn’t change a thing. I still see myself as
lucky. I am lucky to have friends and family who I can lean upon. Lucky to have
my voice, the use of my body and be able to exercise, work, socialise and
travel. I am lucky to still be able to makes plans for the future.
Yet again it’s been a while between posts and for good reason. I started
a post a month ago however at the time I wasn’t in the space to be writing
about my return to racing triathlon, life and my ongoing private war. There was
a lot happening that didn’t need to be said to the general public so once again
I called upon those who are always so ready to be there. Now, a month on, I’m
in a better state of mind to be sharing. A weekend in Sydney for a physiotherapy course and some time to think and write.
On the 1st of March, on a whim, I decided to enter a race. As
soon as I hit confirm payment on the entry I started to get a sore throat, then
a blocked nose and then a chesty cough with the race less than a week away. The
whole lead up to the event was less than ideal. To add to the pre-race stress I
had my feared review with my surgeon the Tuesday before the race. This always
elicits a rise in the anxiety levels, shortening of my fuse and lack of empathy
at work. I knew that bad news would not be possible due to the fact that I
hadn’t had any scans, bloods or tests in the lead up that would reveal anything
sinister however I knew the time had come that I couldn’t really avoid further
investigation. Being able to put that kind of emotional and mental stress aside
to get my head in the race is hard. I feel myself falling into a hole after
these types of appointments and rage build inside. This disease has me so
confined to being here. I have to be close to CT machines, close to doctors,
close to hospitals and am therefore so restricted in being able to make any
future plans. I try my hardest to not let it dictate my life, plans and what I
want to do over the coming year, however there’s always still that lingering
question of what if? What if the
‘deposit’ in my chest has grown? What if more lymph node disease shows up in my
neck? What if it has spread to my lungs or bones? What if? But living in the
‘what ifs’ is not really conducive to moving forwards and so I took myself down
to Coffs Harbour, telling only a handful of people what I was doing in case it
all went wrong or my body decided not to play the game. What was the point
anyway? I know I have people judging me for pushing myself too hard in the
midst of cancer treatment but if it’s of no detriment then why not? If I don’t
train, I don’t cope. If I don’t cope, I fail to participate in life, work and
function as a human. I train to exude my anger at the world without taking it
out in the workplace and ending up being fired. I vowed to myself that regardless of how I
felt come the Sunday morning I would be toeing the start line on the beach. I
knew I wasn’t fit and didn’t bank on being overly competitive out there but I
also knew that I wouldn’t be ‘taking it easy’ on myself, nor would I expect
anything less than my best.
Why do bad things happen to good
people?
We’ve asked that question so often
it’s become a cliché.
But that’s because bad things do
happen to good people. Constantly.
You just have to hope that when it’s
your turn you’ll know what to do.
How to cope.
How to persevere.
But the truth is you don’t know
how you will react to your worst case scenario.
None of us do.
Not until it happens.
(Meredith Grey)
I stayed with my friends Pip and Justin in Lennox on Friday night, had a
lovely meal and hours of catching up before crashing hard. The next day I felt
a little under the weather whilst setting up my bike on the turbo & may
have even had a couple of little vomits before doing my ride/ run. I had breaky
with my old housemate Ben before heading off to Coffs. I stopped off at the
MacLean pool for a 30 minute swim and arrived at Coffs Harbour around 2:30pm
feeling rather exhausted. I finally put my feet up for an hour before driving
over the bike course which was worth more than you know. I picked up some Thai
which I enjoyed over the latest Grey’s Anatomy episode followed by my mandatory
pre-race ice-cream before crashing out before 9pm, which was actually 8pm QLD
time! I couldn’t believe how rested I felt the next morning at 4:45am. My cold
was almost gone and I felt excited by the prospect of racing.
Next thing it was 7:45am and I was running into the harbour with the
other open men and women. I had a terrible start! I really need to work on my
beach starts. I was so far off the mark and think I was quite possibly the last
one into the water. I soon found my groove and knew I was swimming in about 3rd
place with two girls on my feet. I knew that two of the girls were good
swimmers and would be well out in front of me considering I haven’t been to
squad in 5 months. I exited in 4th place and was onto the bike in 3rd.
At the end of the first lap I managed to get a time check to first which had
blown out from 2.5minutes to 5mins over 20km. This shocked me as I felt really
strong on the bike. I had, however, ridden significant time into 2nd.
I came into T2 in arm’s reach of 2nd place and hit the run with
little expectation of running fast. I moved into 2nd place within
500m and set out on the hunt for first. I tried not to focus on how much time I
had lost on the bike. Heading out to the far turn around on the first run lap
an open male competitor yelled out to me, ‘first place cut the course’ but it
didn’t register until I saw Holly running back towards me. She stopped as I
drew closer and said ‘I cut the course, you’re actually in first.’ I was
motivated even more by this but also encouraged by the fact of her honesty and
sportsmanship in the situation. Holly
had missed a small out and back section at the end of the first bike lap which
explained her huge increase in her lead over the first 20km. I ran hard, but
not fast and at the final turnaround 2km from the finish I knew I’d have to
break a leg or pass out to lose it. I felt a surge of anger rise in me with a
pounding ‘fuck you cancer’ in my head as I ran to cross the finish line. Bloody
shoes, aching muscles and pure elation coursed through me with my little win at
Coffs Harbour. People ask me all the time, why do you do this? I reply ‘there’s
no better feeling than when you cross that finish line.’ To have that feeling
again, coupled with taking a win was priceless.
Two weeks later I headed back to Dalby’s sprint triathlon. I have always
loved the regional races with unique elements like having the swim in a pool. Mum
and I took a road trip out in my new Mazda for a girl’s night away. The whole
trip was marred by my laptop deciding to crash which had a huge job application
I was writing that was due that week. I worked myself into bit of a state the
night before about losing the work I had done on it taking away and excitement
and importance of the race for me. I came 2nd the next day to an extremely
speedy 16 year old. I’m too old for the short stuff these days! The good news
is that I figured a way out to recover my computer, save and finish my
application.
Yes, a job application. I slipped that in there intentionally, not as an
excuse, but perhaps a little indication of redirecting my future. Don’t get me
wrong, I love my job. I love the people I work for and with. Through this
entire two year saga the support I have had from my workplace and the people
there is so much more than I could ever imagine or feel that I deserve. But
unfortunately with a life changing event you do some serious self-assessment
and I feel that I have hit a professional plateau and ceiling with what I can
do in the position I am in. Unless I work 8-6pm every day I am feeling somewhat
limited and that my potential is going to waste. So I have been throwing a few
applications in for other jobs which may or may not come to anything. The past
couple of months two of my good friends have made some decisions that will see
them both move on from the coast. With their lives taking new directions I feel
that I am the one being left behind.
I have also decided to have a little social media break. Yes, I’ve come
back onto the book of face to post this but I’ve been ‘deactivated’ for a week
or so now and will shut it down again in the next couple of days. There were
some catalytic moments in the past couple of weeks that really pushed some
buttons with me. I am an honest person and sometimes we make excuses for people
just because we’ve known them for a long time. But when dirty laundry is
repeatedly aired on social media a good person should pull one’s friend up on
it. This is something I decided it was time to do. Yes I’ve become quite hard
and maybe a little bitter but public forums are a dangerous place and the
written word can be so easily misinterpreted if you are unable to express
yourself clearly. So my take home message here for me has been; keep your
circle small and close. I look back on those who have taken me to
appointments, provided numerous home cooked meals, eaten litres of ice-cream
with me after each bad doctor’s review, sat with me whilst I have cried my eyes
out and been a sounding board for all the deepest fears and concerns I have
had. Those friends who have shown up on my doorstep with 5kg of Nutella, just
because or the friend in Canada who managed to have a note and treats hand delivered
by someone else. I’d like to believe that one friend even bought a puppy just
for me to cuddle and that would occasionally keep me entertained. The
friends who drove to Gympie just to see me for an hour or two after surgery, or
those who’ve flown from interstate just to check in. So I continue to evolve
and change throughout this time in my life. I take notice of those I would have
previously overlooked and have learned to let go of those who are exhausting,
negative and downright ungrateful.
My brother and I talk over his job as a
radiologist at Lady Cilento Children’s Hospital and the devastating terminal
diseases and diagnosis’ he sees each week amongst innocent children. Perhaps
some people need to take a walk through those wards to realise just how good
they have it. I know I have never thought of myself as a sick person. I still feel like a fraud when I tell people I have
been unwell for the past 22 months. At head and neck clinic I felt completely
out of place amongst patients going through illness a thousand times worse than
mine. However, I must not forget and was reminded again this week by one of my
specialists, that my thyroid cancer is atypical and does make even my health
professionals somewhat nervous. Just when I feel I have moved on a little bit
more I am pulled back into the reality of the situation.
So on Monday I will finally have my long awaited CT to see what the heck
is happening. I will request that the results not be revealed until the
following week as next week I am off for a little island break, maybe a little
race, definitely a few chocolate croissants & four blissful days of
ignorance.
We’re all gonna die.
We don’t get much say over how or
when, but we do get to decide how we’re gonna live.
So do it. Decide.
Is this the life you wanna live?
Is this the person you wanna love?
Is this the best you can be?
Can you be stronger? Kinder? More
compassionate?
Decide.
Breathe in, breathe out &
decide.
(Richard Webber)
Rachie xo
