Come what may

14th January 2014

As one year ends and another begins, it’s a time to reflect on what has come to pass. Rather than gauge 2013’s success with race placings, podiums and money made it has been gauged by discovering the worth of health, people and the pricelessness of being able to get out of bed, use my arms, speak with my normal voice, being able to have the choice to swim, bike and run and to be able do my work as a Physio.

This is not going to be an ‘I’m so thankful’ blog because I’d be lying if I said 2013 hasn't been the worst year of my life. Honestly it’s been horrible. It took me 4.5 months to realise that I was sick. Even now I have days where the emotional backlash hits me like a tonne of bricks and I’m a blubbering mess. There are days where I’m so angry and irritable that I feel like I will scream at anyone that speaks to me….not so good when talking to people is imperative in my job. This is where I really struggle, listening to people talk about their problems- fine at work, I’m paid to do it, but outside that I really don’t need to hear about people’s coughs, colds and self-inflicted vitamin deficiencies. I had this unrealistic idea that I’d have to slow up a bit for a couple of month and then be back to training and life as per normal by Christmas. Oh how wrong I was.

The past few months have been a blur of working, appointments, blood tests & treatment balanced out with trying to forget everything by having  a social life and doing some small capacity of training. For the first couple of months every blood test, scan, doctor’s appointment or memory of what had happened would trigger the elephant to sit on my chest: anxiety. Honestly, I used to think anxiety was a myth until I thought I was developing a heart condition and woke up to realise exactly what it was. Once again, I think that time heals, as does the physical release of exercise and thankfully my poor friends who've been so supportive and patient with me venting my angst with this process.

I spent a few days in Royal Brisbane Hospital at the end of October for my radio-active iodine treatment. Post-surgery my blood tests were still showing a high level of thyroglobulin which means there are still thyroid cells left…. potentially cancer cells. The thyroid absorbs iodine, so to kill off the remaining cells a small capsule of radio-active iodine is administered. This however, left me radio-active for a few days and dangerous to the general public, so they kept me in isolation for 48 hours. It was quite an anti-climax. There was no development of super powers and I didn't pee green. I got to catch up on my trashy English reality TV show ‘Made in Chelsea’ (don’t judge me!) and the ward was kind enough to supply an exercise bike for me to do a few spins on to pass the hours. More scans after the 2 days which showed some areas still lightening up in the neck region which is expected, as even if it’s not cancer, the surgeon can’t remove all thyroid tissue during the operation.

After my stay I had a week off work as they suggested not to spend prolonged periods of time in close proximity of others. I watched Noosa triathlon and for the first time felt pangs of jealously not to be out there. I started to bump up what training I had been doing to 20 hours a week but soon realised that at that point it was so much more than I was capable of coping with. I got sick. Sick for weeks.

I am still having ongoing Calcium issues as my re-implanted parathyroid glad hasn't’t kicked in yet. This means supplementation twice a day. Every time I try to wean off my calcium medications the levels drop quite significantly but thankfully I am still yet to experience any major symptoms. I’m off to see my specialist that deals with this in a couple of days as he assures me he has a plan.

The radio-active iodine can have ongoing effect for the next few months at killing off what’s left in my body, then hopefully when I go back for review in February my thyroglobulin level (cancer marker) will be down to zero…. Which means I will have kicked cancer’s arse. I try to think that this is exactly what will happen but everything around this has been so unpredictable I am preparing myself for the alternative. In saying that, it might just mean a few more days in isolation and another pill- that I can handle.

I can’t see much point in committing to a full load of training until I have a ticket of remission or even better am cured. I have managed to ramp up some training again after being quite ill during November/ early December. Thankfully this time my immune system seems to be holding up. So there are no immediate plans to return to racing; at the earliest, middle of the year. It’s getting harder and harder to stand on the sidelines which I think is a great sign that I still have the drive and desire to get back out there myself.

I think not really accepting how bad things were has helped me get on with my life. Ignorance is bliss. My surgeon shared with me some photos from my surgery at my 6 weeks review. Seeing one of the tumours she removed (the 10cm mass) was potentially the first time I realised just how bad it was. I refuse to become a victim as I can’t see myself in that category.  Once again, my incredible support system of friends and family keep me distracted and grounded as everyone is fighting their own battles.

Fingers crossed 2014 will be a huge improvement on 2013.

Rachie xox